I'm going to stab you.

Egads!  Weight keeps ballooning on me.  I am hoping that latest blood test gives me some hope.  Just haven't felt very useful lately.  I'd say I haven't felt ambitious, but that is an understatement.  I think I was one rung above coma status the past couple weeks as far as taking care of things around the house, writing, cleaning, etc.  Just been a bad time lately.

Last few days have been slightly better.  It really is a chicken or the egg argument with me and my roller coaster life these past years post thyroid diagnosis.  Does my thyroid get worse because I quit working out and my diet goes to hell or does my workout regimen, eating regimen go to hell because my thyroid goes to hell which makes those things seem too monumental to take care of?

I just wish that I could actually be on the same level of medication for more than three to six months at a time.  I want to be leveled off.  Every time I actually feel good, the doc tries to lower my dosage.  That always means my energy level gradually declines daily and the whole process is so subtle, that it is usually months before I realize that it might not all just be because I'm being a lazy ass worthless pile of bat guano.  Maybe I am actually sick.

Bah!  I'll find out today because I'll get the results this afternoon.  We'll see I guess.
 

Update:  Yep, thyroid was bogging down again.  Should be getting a new prescription in a couple days.  Honestly, I had a feeling that was the problem and I found an old bottle of prescription synthroid and had taken my own little self determined dosage for a few days and have begun feeling better already.  I won't get the full benefit of the higher dosage for two to three weeks though.

I know they don't want my dosage to be too high because supposedly the more of the shit I take, the harder it is on my kidneys.  Well, every time I feel good they lower my medication and I gain 40 lbs.  How freaking hard is that on my body to keep bouncing from 230 to 270 and back again annually?

What I need is a good line to an illegal Mexican pharmacy so I can determine my own dosage and just cut these fucking doctors out of the loop.  

I have prepared a short screenplay of every six month cycle of my life for the past seven years below.  I am thinking they could get both John Goodman and Ray Liotta to both play my part.

Doc:  So how do you feel Mr. Harris?

Me:  Great!  I actually feel rested after I sleep.  I have energy to work out again.  I don't fall asleep in my chair for 45 minutes after work every day. My immune system seems to be stronger as I'm not sick all the  time.  My eyes actually create enough of their own moisture for me to wear my contact lenses again.  All is well.  

Doc: 'looks at chart' I see, but your bloodwork says your prescription is too high.

Me:  That's fine, but I have no outward signs of synthroid overdose.  I still sleep well at night.  I'm not nervous or jittery.  I am not anxious or "wired."  I have in the past been on too high a dosage and I know what too much synthroid feels like and I have no discernible signs of overdose.

Doc:  Really?  Well we are going to have to cut your dosage back.

Me:  Did you hear a word I said?

Doc:  Yes, see...your dosage is too high so I have to cut it back.

Me:  But I feel good.  I feel good for the first time in years.

Doc:  Yeah, well that's beside the point.  Your dosage is too high.  Let's cut it back.

Me:  Every time you cut my dosage back you sentence me to six months of unregulated  weight gain, irritability,bags under my eyes, sleep does me no good, my sex drive declines, and even the smallest tasks seem insurmountable to me, which all combines into one big shit depression taco that I get to eat every day.

Doc:  So we're going to cut your medication back to....
 

Me:  AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Fast forward to six miserable months and another blood test later....keep in mind...I have been on this same up and down cycle for years....

Doc:  So I see your TSH levels are messed up.   

Me:  Do the words "I told you so" mean anything to you?  I gained 34 lbs since I last saw you.

Doc:  Have you been taking ALL of  your medication?

Me:  What I actually say:  Yes 
(What I really mean:  I want to stab you.)

Doc:  Because you apparently aren't getting enough.

Me.  What I actually say:   I told you this was going to happen and you always ask me if I am taking my meds when my thryoid shits out.   
(What I really mean:   Did you catch the part about 'stabbing you'?)

Doc:  You have to make sure you take your medication every day.

Me:  What I actually say:  I always take my meds.  I have done so for seven years. Just admit  you were wrong and I was right.

(What I really mean:  In the head....I'm going to stab you...in....the....head.)

Doc:  So what I'm going to do is prescribe you a higher dose of synthroid.  

 (What he really means:  I am going to give you a brief glimpse of what your life could be like if you were healthy for a few months and then I will lower your prescription and I will rip it all away from you again because what my chart tells me is infinitely more important to me than what you

think, feel, or any of your life experiences while you have been ill for the better part of the last decade.) 

Me:  What I actually say:  I'm going to stab you.

(What I really mean:  I'm going to stab you.)