Ways to entertain yourself in an elevator.

1.       Hum, America the Beautiful.  Encourage others to join in.

2.       Wear a bulky, well used Army fatigue jacket.  Act nervous.  Ask other passengers if they know how to turn a detonator off. 

3.       Hit the emergency stop button.  Yell, "Nobody move!" and act like you just lost a contact lens.  Do not let them re-start the elevator until you have found it.

4.       Wear a dark suit and dark glasses.  Talk into your sleeve like a secret service agent.  Loudly claim you have spotted the suspect and go on to physically describe one of the passengers on the elevator.  Verify the sniper is in position for when the elevator doors open.

5.       Wear a track suit.  Jog in place the entire time.  If someone asks, tell them you are preparing for the Stationary Olympics.

6.       Bring in a realistic doll in a baby carriage.  When the elevator doors open, push the baby carriage out.  You stay on and continue to ride the elevator.   This works well with escalators as well.

7.       Set up a popcorn machine in the back corner.  Sell snacks.

8.       Stand outside the doors with a scale and a clip board.  Weigh people as they get in.  Nod concernedly.   Shrug your shoulders.  Tell them good luck as they get in. This helps if you have some sort of safety inspector or maintenance type outfit.

9.       Set a portable camping toilet inside the elevator.  Pull down your pants and sit on it while reading a newspaper.  When the doors open, yell at the people that you would like some privacy.

10.   Flash a badge to all incoming passengers.  Claim to be the Elevator Marshall.  Proceed to question them about their destination, business, and if they have anything to declare. 

11.   Ask each passenger individually, "You smell that?"

12.   When the elevator is fully loaded, say to everyone, "I suppose you're wondering why I called you all here…"

13.   Wear a t-shirt with the words "Professional Pocket Pool Player" screen printed on it.  Put your hands in your pockets.  Go to town.  If someone interrupts you, explain you are practicing for League night.

Two Random Bits of Brain Cud.

What?  You think I will be yammering on about the Pistorious case or something equally compelling like Octomom's ascent into porn?  Oh, noooooo.


I could give two shits about Alec Baldwin.  I really could, but after watching this video, I do know I could never be a celebrity.  Check out this link and come back to me.

Alec Baldwin trying to walk to the bagel shop.

Apparently ol' Alec may have uttered some very unkind things and verbally threatened to strangle a reporter or two on his way to his local bagel shop.  C'mon...who hasn't done this at one time or another?   For the rest of this rant, I will need you to imagine air quotes around the word "reporter(s)" every time I use it.  I do not know where the air quotes on my keyboard are yet.  You will have to muddle through until I do find them.

 I don't know if Alec really did say what those reporters claimed he said and I don't care.  If someone was all over me like these people were in this video they better be ready to defend themselves.  I like how the video opens on Alec at the :12 mark pushing a reporter away after right after the lead in reporter commented on how touchy Baldwin appeared to be.  You have to listen carefully, but Alec says, "You have to back up.  You're hitting me with the micropho...." at which point he is cut off by said reporter telling Baldwin not to touch him.  Immediately after Alec pushes the reporter away, the intrepid newsman takes that as an invitation to play the famous "I'm not touching you!  I'm not touching you!" game that we all used to play in the backseat of the car during long family trips precisely to drive our friends/brothers/sisters ay-fucking nuts.

 

Actual photo of gaggle of reporters awaiting Baldwin's appearance outside his apartment.

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Diversas_lampreas.1_-_Aquarium_Finisterrae.JPG)

By the time we get to the :35 second mark of that video, keep in mind Baldwin didn't even show up in the video until about the :12 second mark, I see Baldwin adjust his gait and the direction he walks while being touched by reporters no less than five times.  At what point is this harassment?  Isn't there some sort of law about respecting someone's personal space and the right to not be touched by other people?  When does he get to defend himself?  At the end of the video Baldwin is literally running away from the reporter who is running alongside Baldwin and STILL hitting him with that microphone.  I don't really care about celebrities and I'm not even sure why I watched this link, but I do know that someone in this video needs a good oral fist enema and it isn't Baldwin.

(http://www.policemag.com/channel/women-in-law-enforcement/news/2013/02/05/ariz-lt-demoted-for-racy-photos-video.aspx)

Kind of a cute cop in that above picture.  A cute cop who took racy photos of herself wearing her Tucson Police T-shirt and sent them to her boyfriend, who showed them to his buddies.  I have no idea if the t-shirt was an official part of the uniform or whatnot, but it still seems like um...oh....about as smart as building a kite out of porcelain.  Far be it from me to try to discourage women from disseminating self-made porn, but just  how stupid can you be and still make the rank of lieutenant in that Tucson Police shop?

I'm glad she didn't lose her job.  She did get demoted from lieutenant back down to sergeant.  I am also assuming that the boyfriend who couldn't keep her pics for his own private fap fodder has now been reduced to the rank of single.  I also hope he applies for a transfer so she isn't still his boss.

Lastly, I would like to wrap up with an excellent rendition of Poe's "The Raven" because I can.

I haven't blogged in a year!

Well, consider this another re-set.

Here is what has been happening in my life since I last appeared here:

Hello fat...we meet again.  Heavier than ever.  Don't know why I do this roller coaster.  Probably some kind of mental impairment.  Either that, or the slowest suicide technique ever.   Time to get my crap together.  No worries.  This blog will never consist of a daily workout routine update.  I do that other places.

Politics...I spent a considerable amount of time trying to stay informed about the candidates in the last Presidential election.  Way too much time.  Couldn't help it.  I think the last election was a big one.  I felt it necessary to keep informed and to inform others whenever assorted lies were posted.  I was like an unofficial Obama campaign worker. Moreso because I thought the way of Romney lie madness and less because I really, really like Obama.

Kid...has passed from the "kid" stage to the "girl" stage and constantly has stuff going on.  Quick warning to boys:  Even though I am out of shape I am still capable of making you taste your own colon by reaching into your yap and turning you inside out.  Alanis' first tat will read, "Date At Your Own Risk."  That shit isn't gonna be some temporary henna crap either.  It's going to be big and bold and permanent...kinda like your headstone.

Summer illness...If you haven't figured it out, I'm a teacher and I spent almost the entirety of my ten weeks away from school being sick.  Big problems with my C-PAP machine and even bigger problems with idiot doctors.

Summer heat...  If you want to see a cranky S.O.B. keep the summer heat cranked up past 80 and humidity hanging right around 85%....all summer long.  I did not function well in heat before I got put on thyroid meds and I function even worse in the heat since I got put on it.  Not whining.  Just fact.  At that humidity level I can begin to smell my own balls through my shorts about fifteen minutes after my last shower. In the winter, that takes at least a couple hours.  The entire summer was like a pocketful of hell for me.  My cure?  Vodka.  Lots of it.  It didn't help, but if I drank enough of it, I would at least forget how miserable yesterday had been.

House...still some repairs needing to be made...all of which will have to wait until after our bankruptcy is over in a couple years.  I think I've blogged about that before.  So somewhere in there I just decided I had to keep our crappy broken down house cleaner to try to cover up the fact that everything is broken/ugly/stained up.  I have actually been mostly successful in this.  Still not Better Homes and Gardens stuff, but the dust only piles up to a quarter inch before I take care of it which is at least 3/8 of an inch improvement. The major casualty of this has been the basement which I'm pretty sure is going to call Hoarders itself in another month or two.

Cooking...Got into cooking kinda big time again.  It's probably my biggest hobby at this point. I'm not sure why.  There must be something in there that makes it worth my while, but I really haven't figured out what it is.  Probably because there is some mild positive feedback when I do it.

Work...due to many factors my work has taken up a ton more time this year.  I have six...six unique academic preps per day now and no study halls and no TA's.  I hear about teachers elsewhere who have 2 preps per day, 2 prep periods, and 4 TA's to help with correcting papers.  In my milder moments I am just proud that I am handling the load the best I can.  In my more bitter moments I kind of wish a death via festering boils for those teachers.  I'm not perfect.  I can get a tad cranky sometimes.  Like many others, my salary has declined quite considereably which just adds more to that whole bankruptcy stressball of "I'm two paychecks away from losing my home feeling" and that doesn't make me feel like writing or being creative much, but that's probably something I will have to deal with as I don't see the situation changing in the near future. Dear  Governor Snyder:  If you could just keep your mitts out of the once solvent education fund and try not giving that money to every other program that was fucked up due to no fault of the education system...well that would be great...you ass.

Family...I don't know.  My hermit tendencies are winning most of the time.  From what I gather, my mom looks great and is doing fine.  My sister and brother are working like crazy and no one has died recently.  At least some of those things are considered a "win."  Wife hasn't smothered me in my sleep.  Definitely a win on that one.

There you go.  2012 in a nutshell.  Hope to see more of you in 2013.

This is what will end up killing me.

Here is a picture of my garbage can from a couple weeks ago.  Yes, the top of my garbage can is dirty.  Keeping my garbage can lid clean enough to eat from is not a priority in my life.  If this disturbs you, feel free not to drop by any time soon.  Beyond all that, however, I'm not sure how or who decided that the appropriate place to store a folding chair was to lean it again the garbage can so that use of requisite garbage can necessitates moving the chair.

I could have taken five seconds and put the chair back where it belonged.  Yep, I coulda.  In addition to making my blood pressure elevate to levels where stepping on seal babies seems like an appropriate course of action, shit like this often makes me curious.  Mostly I wanted to know just how long I could leave that chair leaning on that garbage can, before someone else looked at it and realized that, "Oh crap! I forgot I left that there.  I will put it back now."

Yeah, that would have been a cool experiment, except I could only put up with it for three days.  Yes, apparently I was the only person in my house to throw anything away for three days.  Ahem *cough* bullshit* cough, cough.  For three days,  I would move the chair, throw something away, and then put the chair back on the garbage can.  So, not only am I dumbassed enough to do that to myself...to make the multiple incidents of trash disposal an exercise in patience and ridiculousness...but I also let something that would have taken seconds to fix and be done with, become the nucleus of near fusion levels of white hot anger over and over again for a span of about 72 hours.  Maybe it would have been different if the first time I discovered the chair there, I didn't have two handfuls of eggshells and yolks in my hands.  Maybe.

I had to end the experiment after three days when it became apparent that my leaving of the chair on top of the garbage can was not having it's intended result and it was also reducing my lifespan by weeks every time I let the situation raise my ire.  Mostly I just wanted whoever put that there to fix it.  To me folding chairs on top of garbage cans ranks right up there with storing your banana peel collection on the top step of the basement stairs.  Yep, I need to relax and not let stuff like this get to me.

Don't get me wrong.  This isn't about whoever left the chair there.  It's about how I react to certain minutiae in my life and how I let it fire me up.

Recall petition

The following is a letter I intend to read at the next board meeting.  I haven't been prolific on my blog for a while now and other things have demanded too much of my attention.  I am posting it here to the blog even though I know this is something only my local community is interested in, just as a way to get it out to the public that may not be at Monday's board meeting.

Update 06/27/2011:  In true English teacher fashion, I read and re-read this to realize how much the first draft was messed up.  What is now posted below is what I read at the board meeting tonight.  Just had to clean it up.

:::::::::::::

06/24/11

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Dale Harris. I have been a teacher at Carney for fifteen years. From year one I told myself I hope I am lucky enough to retire from this place because after subbing in many different districts for years, I knew Carney was something special and I wanted to be a part of it.

I have known Linda and Cindy from the very beginning of my Carney teaching. I would like to say we have always agreed on everything, but that is not the case nor should it ever be the case. When you have passionate people who feel passionate about what they do, then disagreements are inevitable.

I have agreed and disagreed with Linda and Cindy more often than you might think over the years, but I have always respected them. Despite the fact that we didn't always see eye to eye, they always let me talk and say my piece and never made me feel like what I had to say was unimportant. In the end, we always worked out our differences as adults and moved on to continue doing our duties the best that we knew how.

That is how it is supposed to work. Adults...with differences...working things out. I never in fifteen years ever felt that either of them has ever lied to me. In recent years, my respect for them has grown even more. I know I, for one, never realized how difficult a job the school board has and I would like to thank all on the school board for their efforts to make Carney-Nadeau Public School a better place. Linda and Cindy should be applauded for their efforts and I feel this recall petition is a travesty of justice on the highest level. If there is duplicity afoot in any of this, it is not on their part.

Dan, I have not had the privilege of knowing for very long. However what I do know impresses me. Who else moves into a new community and runs for the school board almost immediately after relocating? Does that sound like someone who is operating from a selfish standpoint?
To me it sounds like someone who cares about his community enough to try to make a difference. I count it a privilege to call Dan a friend and I think his recall, as with Linda's and Cindy's amounts to nothing more than sour grapes and political machinations emanating from the lowest common denominators.

These board members are to be commended for standing with their convictions. They know that the right thing to do is not always the easy thing. They are suffering publicly for doing what they in their hearts know is best...not for themselves, but for this community. They should be admired for doing the right thing in the face of public adversity. At the very least, they should be left alone to do the job the electorate asked them to do. They have done nothing wrong and I want to voice my support for them. They have earned that respect over years of service and I for one give it to them.

Sincerely,

Dale Harris

Secondary English/Health

Carney-Nadeau Public School

I'm going to stab you.

Egads!  Weight keeps ballooning on me.  I am hoping that latest blood test gives me some hope.  Just haven't felt very useful lately.  I'd say I haven't felt ambitious, but that is an understatement.  I think I was one rung above coma status the past couple weeks as far as taking care of things around the house, writing, cleaning, etc.  Just been a bad time lately.

Last few days have been slightly better.  It really is a chicken or the egg argument with me and my roller coaster life these past years post thyroid diagnosis.  Does my thyroid get worse because I quit working out and my diet goes to hell or does my workout regimen, eating regimen go to hell because my thyroid goes to hell which makes those things seem too monumental to take care of?

I just wish that I could actually be on the same level of medication for more than three to six months at a time.  I want to be leveled off.  Every time I actually feel good, the doc tries to lower my dosage.  That always means my energy level gradually declines daily and the whole process is so subtle, that it is usually months before I realize that it might not all just be because I'm being a lazy ass worthless pile of bat guano.  Maybe I am actually sick.

Bah!  I'll find out today because I'll get the results this afternoon.  We'll see I guess.
 

Update:  Yep, thyroid was bogging down again.  Should be getting a new prescription in a couple days.  Honestly, I had a feeling that was the problem and I found an old bottle of prescription synthroid and had taken my own little self determined dosage for a few days and have begun feeling better already.  I won't get the full benefit of the higher dosage for two to three weeks though.

I know they don't want my dosage to be too high because supposedly the more of the shit I take, the harder it is on my kidneys.  Well, every time I feel good they lower my medication and I gain 40 lbs.  How freaking hard is that on my body to keep bouncing from 230 to 270 and back again annually?

What I need is a good line to an illegal Mexican pharmacy so I can determine my own dosage and just cut these fucking doctors out of the loop.  

I have prepared a short screenplay of every six month cycle of my life for the past seven years below.  I am thinking they could get both John Goodman and Ray Liotta to both play my part.

Doc:  So how do you feel Mr. Harris?

Me:  Great!  I actually feel rested after I sleep.  I have energy to work out again.  I don't fall asleep in my chair for 45 minutes after work every day. My immune system seems to be stronger as I'm not sick all the  time.  My eyes actually create enough of their own moisture for me to wear my contact lenses again.  All is well.  

Doc: 'looks at chart' I see, but your bloodwork says your prescription is too high.

Me:  That's fine, but I have no outward signs of synthroid overdose.  I still sleep well at night.  I'm not nervous or jittery.  I am not anxious or "wired."  I have in the past been on too high a dosage and I know what too much synthroid feels like and I have no discernible signs of overdose.

Doc:  Really?  Well we are going to have to cut your dosage back.

Me:  Did you hear a word I said?

Doc:  Yes, see...your dosage is too high so I have to cut it back.

Me:  But I feel good.  I feel good for the first time in years.

Doc:  Yeah, well that's beside the point.  Your dosage is too high.  Let's cut it back.

Me:  Every time you cut my dosage back you sentence me to six months of unregulated  weight gain, irritability,bags under my eyes, sleep does me no good, my sex drive declines, and even the smallest tasks seem insurmountable to me, which all combines into one big shit depression taco that I get to eat every day.

Doc:  So we're going to cut your medication back to....
 

Me:  AAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Fast forward to six miserable months and another blood test later....keep in mind...I have been on this same up and down cycle for years....

Doc:  So I see your TSH levels are messed up.   

Me:  Do the words "I told you so" mean anything to you?  I gained 34 lbs since I last saw you.

Doc:  Have you been taking ALL of  your medication?

Me:  What I actually say:  Yes 
(What I really mean:  I want to stab you.)

Doc:  Because you apparently aren't getting enough.

Me.  What I actually say:   I told you this was going to happen and you always ask me if I am taking my meds when my thryoid shits out.   
(What I really mean:   Did you catch the part about 'stabbing you'?)

Doc:  You have to make sure you take your medication every day.

Me:  What I actually say:  I always take my meds.  I have done so for seven years. Just admit  you were wrong and I was right.

(What I really mean:  In the head....I'm going to stab you...in....the....head.)

Doc:  So what I'm going to do is prescribe you a higher dose of synthroid.  

 (What he really means:  I am going to give you a brief glimpse of what your life could be like if you were healthy for a few months and then I will lower your prescription and I will rip it all away from you again because what my chart tells me is infinitely more important to me than what you

think, feel, or any of your life experiences while you have been ill for the better part of the last decade.) 

Me:  What I actually say:  I'm going to stab you.

(What I really mean:  I'm going to stab you.)

In case you didn't realize it, I'm a teacher.

At what point was it that teachers became the great satan in this country?  People want to talk about how much money we make, how we don't deserve our benefits, that we suck.  Very little of this appears to be true.

Let's bust some myths.

Myth:  Sucky teachers can't be fired.

Fact:  If the administration has done its job correctly, then teachers can be fired like anyone else.  Besides, in what other job does one spend four years basically on probation and can be fired without cause during any point of that process?  If your school has a bad teacher, then it's because the administration didn't do it's job during the four years of probation.

Myth:  Teachers get paid like $1 billion dollars a year.

Fact:  Teacher salaries compared to the salaries at other jobs are actually going down.
( http://www.nea.org/home/14052.htm ) In other words, a teacher in the 1950's could buy way more stuff than a teacher can in 2011.  Cost of living has gone up at a greater rate than teacher salaries.  Did anyone bitch and moan about those elitist rich teachers in the 1950's?

Throw in the idea that it is much harder to become a teacher these days and also much more expensive since we have to continue taking graduate level courses for the rest of our lives.  Also, teachers don't get paid as much as other jobs that require a bachelor's degree either.  So pretty much, no matter how you slice it, it is hard to ethically purport that the reason teachers become teachers is for the money.  Most teachers I know work during the summer to make ends meet, too.  Of course, that's probably just to help pay their groundskeepers, nannies, and pool boys right?

Myth:  People become teachers because they aren't qualified to do anything else.

Fact:  Teaching is basically a five year degree.  Unless you think that nothing of value happens at any point in those five years, then I think we can safely assume that most people that become teachers have a reasonable knowledge base and are not totally brain dead.  At the very least, they can be taught.  That means most of them could very easily have learned a different trade if they had chosen to.  I chose to become a teacher mostly because I had no idea that pubic waxing would become a career option in the future.  Thanks for dropping  the ball on that one for me Mr. Career Counselor guy.

Myth:  Public sector workers get paid more than private sector workers.

Fact:  It depends on the study.  Most of the reputable studies I have seen say that private sector workers still earn more.  The study that Karl Rove's silly little boatful of dumbasses keeps spreading was actually comparing public sector workers with jobs that required bachelor's degrees, to what the guy makes that asks you if you "want fries with that."  It's all made up.

Of course that doesn't stop Fox News from continuing to use the bullshit numbers given to them by Rove, but we pretty much already knew that most people working for Fox News have the equivalent moral compass of a compulsively lying, serial baby rapist.

Myth:  U.S. kids are way stupider than kids from other countries and it's all the teachers' faults.

Fact:  I will try to be brief.  In a lot of those other countries kids get tracked into vocational schools at an earlier age.  When only the kids that show an aptitude for school are taking your test, that skews the numbers quite a bit.

Also, parents in other countries give a shit about education and put more emphasis on the importance of education.  Sure a lot of  U.S. parents care too, but not like in other countries where teachers are much more respected in the culture.  So what do you think has happened to the American school system?  Did all the teachers get lazy?  Maybe they all became teachers in order to create stupider kids?   Unless you believe that teachers were better when they only had to go to college for two years to get a degree instead of the current five, then it is safe to assume the main issue in declining test scores is not that all teachers suck at what they do.

We could look at a myriad of issues to explain poor scores, but the idea that test scores are declining because of poor teaching just doesn't hold water.

So apparently, teachers don't generally stink.  They aren't rich.  They chose teaching for their profession despite the money and not because of the money.  Again I ask, what are people so pissed off at us for?