Saturday, January 15, 2011

Sometimes cops are really hard to like.

Here's a brief rundown of last night:

7:30 breaks down on side of highway by Cedar Hill.

8:00 Brother-in-law gives wife ride home and he assures me that the car is far enough off to the side where we can wait until morning to tow it.

9:00  Police call wanting to know what my car is doing on the side of the highway.  I inform them it is broken and we will tow it in the morning.  I hang up the phone happy that all is settled.

9:05  Phone rings.  Police decide it cannot wait until morning it has to be towed now or it will be impounded and they have already called a local towing company.  They ask me where I want it towed.  I tell them the destination three times thinking they would probably screw it up so I kept repeating it until I was sure that even a semi-literate monkey could get it right.

Saturday a.m. I wake up, call the towing company to find out where they are based so I can pay them for the tow.  During the course of the conversation I find out our car is on the towing company's lot and not at the auto garage.  Of course it is still broken so it will need to be towed again to where it was supposed to go in the first place.  Of course, I get to pay another towing fee.

Oh that's not all dear readers....that car that had to be towed right at the moment last night according to the cops, ....the same cops who said they had already called the towing company....yeah, the towing guy didn't get the call until midnight.  The car was such a danger to society that it sat there an additional three hours after the cops basically threatened to kidnap it to the impound lot if I didn't take care of it A.S.A.P.

So thank to you officers who over reacted and managed to fuck up something my nine year old could have taken care of.  I will be thinking of you all week while I eat ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese because 3/4 of my grocery money for the week, just went into a double towing fee.

I understand you have a tough job, but what's with the lies?  Get bent Officer Whoeverthefuckyouwere.  While you are at it, find some competency or maybe even call me up and apologize for the fact that you screwed up.  I don't expect you to reach into your wallet and give me $75 for the second tow even though that's what I would do if I had done this to someone else.  An apology would go a long way though.

UPDATE:  My family came through and via friends of friends, I got one towing fee taken care of.  The other towing fee will be partially covered by my insurance so not only do I not have to eat ramen all week, but I even splurged on a jar of Nutella for my kid.  This is what living on the edge looks like kids!  Come join me in the fast lane where my greatest joy of the week was baking banana bread and buying a chocolate hazelnut spread.   Now just cross your fingers that the car can be fixed and is not a one ton paper weight.

Friday, January 14, 2011

I reiterate: You are a dumbass.

I am not sure some of you out there get how facebook works.  I was once again notified by my boss about something that I said on facebook.  On facebook I say things that are PG-13 or R at best and never meant to be seen by children.  The below facebook commentary was brought into question:

Do u ever get that icky feelingwhen you buy something you really didn't need?
January 3 at 4:01pm ·  · 

Amongst a bunch of other random comments offered on that status I said:

Wedge Harris I had such buyer's remorse after purchasing that Thai hooker it was unreal. Might have had something to do with me pissing napalm for weeks afterwards, but still...I know what you mean.
January 3 at 8:17pm ·  ·  1 person

Most folks would understand that what I said was a joke.  A joke told by an adult to other adults.  For the record, I have never been to Thailand. Heaven forbid that I recognized another human who might suffer from the same nonsensical buyers remorse as I and then try to make him laugh.  Sorry about that.

First, know this, I will not spend one second of my life worrying about what some chicken shit anonymous letter says about me.  Not now.  Not ever.  I write this only because I enjoy calling out stupid people.  If you want to come talk to me face to face, we can hash out where our disagreement lies and I can regale you with wonderful stories about censorship and free speech and the hypocrisy of trying to tell me that I have to be politically correct even in my off hours.

If you want to send an anonymous letter to my boss about me saying something that amounts to a deer camp joke online while on my own time...then just know you are wasting your time because I do not "friend" students and my privacy settings on facebook only allow my facebook friends to see what I post.  If your kid is seeing my online content at fb it is because they are logging in under your account, dumbass.  That officially makes you responsible.

So if you are seeing what I type on facebook and printing it out and sending it to my boss, then you must be one of my fb friends and a very mean spirited, duplicitous human being who is guilty of being a far worse example to the youth of our community than I could ever be.   For more information on how I feel about that, please feel free to refer to this post:  previous post .

Apparently you don't like me.  Apparently you don't understand my humor.  That's fine.  I can think of no worse fate than to be so politically correct that I never offend anyone.  That would mean I have no opinions and I feel passionate about nothing in this world.   If you don't like me, I'm good with that.

If you are concerned about my behavior at work and in front of kids, I'm sure there are any numbers of ways to get that information from people who know me professionally...but you don't want to know that do you?  You just want to rabble rouse.  So let's not be friends.  Please un-friend me on facebook.  Don't worry, I won't get a notice telling me who has unfriended me so your cowardice should not get in the way.  We can then enjoy the rest of our separate content in thinking I am wrong and me knowing you are a fucknut.

Update:  Despite much anecdotal evidence that people that weren't my friends on facebook couldn't read what I post, after some testing it appears that they can.  I don't think it changes my feelings on the matter one iota.  I am allowed to be an adult and have adult conversations and tell adult jokes online.  I am not dissing the school.  I am not making unprofessional remarks about my colleagues, school board, or parents.  I am not advertising my own porn site or advocating drug use.  So, despite an error on my part in who can and cannot see what I post, my opinion is still the same.  If you don't want your kids reading adult material, it's up to you to monitor their internet habits.  It is not up to me keep all my off hour, off duty discussions limited to Sesame Street, string theory, Snuggies, and gardening.  Thank you and have a nice day.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

By request.

Since my last post about things I could care less about, someone recently asked me for a post about a few  things I do believe in.

 You people never learn.  If you keep encouraging me, I'll just keep writing this dreck.  Amber, you have only yourself to blame for this.

I believe that Daniel and Henrik Sedin should quit cutting their hair and their beards in exactly the same manner.  When you are twins and you are six years old and your parents force you to dress alike it is understandable.  As two 30 year old professional hockey players it's creepy.

I understand you each love your brother and can admire the fact that family is important to you as you refuse to play for separate teams, but that is where it has to end.  In other words, it is okay to love your brother, but it is not okay to "love" your brother.  Know what I mean? tub after the game?  (

I believe that the world will NOT end before 2013.  If anyone wants to bet me $1000 that the apocalypse is nigh, feel free to contact me through this blog.  I will accept any and all bets.

Well I don't care if it is the apocalypse, that's just rude.  (

I believe that once your 20-something son builds himself a clubhouse and a skull shrine in the back yard, it is past time to get him professional help. 

I know kids are difficult.  I know there are a series of challenges inherent in doing one's best to rear them in the right manner.  Mom and Pop Loughner, I think this goes beyond finding a Penthouse under his mattress or worrying that he isn't doing his chores.  Every single person the media interviews that was not a family member seems to have the same opinion of Loughner.  For brevity, I will summarize what all of his classmates, bosses, and acquaintances said about him:  "He's crazier than a shithouse rat and he scares me."

You cannot convince me he hadn't done something so over the top weird or frightening before that point, that his parents had no idea his sanity boat was sinking fast.  He lived at home!  They HAD to catch him waxing hamsters to a stunning shine or taking a sewing needle to the eyes of houseflies or something else that would have rung the crazy alarm before he moved on to mass murder.

At some point it seems something should have been done before he went all full metal jacket on a bunch of innocent people.  I know...we'll blame his teachers.  Fire all those bastards. Gotta be their fault.

Political aside:  Ever notice it's never the democrats that go on shooting sprees?  I'm not blaming John Boehner for this one as Loughner was obviously three pancakes short of a full stack, but I will blame Glenn Beck whom is widely regarded as the Pied Piper of the politically insane.

I believe chocolate gets too much credit and butter pecan gets shortchanged in the pantheon of ice cream flavors.  Chocolate was okay when I was a kid, but as I have gotten older, I need something for my more sophisticated palate.  Chocolate ice cream is pretty one note stuff and is no longer as satisfying to me.  I feel an analogy is in order.  Chocolate ice cream is a handjob.  Butter pecan ice cream is the full on toe curling sex that follows a nice relaxing couple of drinks and a nice firm spanking.
I have suppressed the urge to draw two nipples.  I am proud of me. 

I believe that when I retire I want to purchase a large RV and turn it into a mobile saloon.  This is pretty rural country and the drinking and driving fines are no joke.  Although I have my doubts on how well the fines discourage drinking and driving, I do believe drinking and driving should be discouraged.  Taxis are expensive or not available at all in a lot of areas.  The solution:  have the bar come to your neighborhood where you could walk home afterward.  Better yet...if you tip me well, the bar itself will deliver you to your doorstep at the end of the night.

With this one we could even leave the RV on site and let someone else DD you home!

I don't know if this interior would work. Don't we need obligatory neon beer signs, some NASCAR ,shit and the heads of a few carcasses on the walls?  I could probably provide the faint urine smell myself.
(Both above images courtesy of: